Smiling Clare - Part 34

The Question Of Why

On 4th March 2015

I apologise for being quiet of late, my health has thrown me a few challenges but I’m getting myself back on an even keel now.

There are times I’m hit with a sense of disappointed. A feeling of ‘what’s the point in doing this degree?’ Not because I’ve become disillusioned with the course. Not because I don’t want to do the degree. But because everything has gotten so much harder again.

Why am I pushing myself to do this when essentially it’s unlikely I’m ever going to go into a career which requires the degree? What’s the point?

Well I’m going to answer that question here today, and hopefully be able to look back at this post whenever I’m questioning my decision to do a degree.

I’m doing this degree for so many reasons. To gain a qualification. To prove to people I have got the brains despite being ill. To prove to myself I can manage the demands of education. To prove you haven’t got to just give up when diagnosed with a life limiting illness. To gain knowledge and experience which will hopefully help me find a job. To gain the knowledge to be able to set up my own business if I can’t get a suitable job.

There are so many reasons I decided to embark on this degree journey, and yet I often find myself questioning myself. When my marks drop because my health has declined. When all I seem to be doing is sleeping and studying. When I read the same sentence from materials over and over again but it won’t register in my mind because of brain fog. When headaches leave me unable to even contemplate studying. When sitting up becomes such a challenge studying has to be done laying down. These aren’t the usual challenges of studying for most people, so how do you deal with that?

Friends and family are an amazing support, as is the Open University Student Association via social media. They manage to pick me up when I’m feeling down. When I’m gutted I’m not submitting my best work, it’s ‘only’ the best I can manage with my health the way it is. The reassuring comments of “you’re trying your best and that’s all that matters” work wonders at putting my mind at ease. The written cries of “You can do it” when I feel like giving up, boost me up and give me the courage to continue.

For the most part family and friends are the driving force keeping me going when things get tough.Like I said, they pick up the pieces and encourage me on when it seems too difficult to continue with my degree. But there is also a part of me not prepared to let my illness force me to give up anything else; it’s forced me to give up so much I used to enjoy and stops me from doing lots of things people my age experience. I’m determined my illness will not prevent me from gaining a degree, at least not without one heck of a fight!

That determination of not letting my illness win drives me on. Even when times are tough, I’m reluctant to give up any more of my activities due to this illness. Instead I tend to adapt them to how I am. This includes studying. The trouble is I then have to deal with feeling guilty that I’m not dedicating enough time in my degree; I know I’m dedicating all the time I can without making my illness even worse but at the same time the perfectionist in me feels guilty about it. That’s something I’ve had to get used to.

So for me, the way of dealing with the challenges I face is adaptation, determination and most importantly of all support from my friends, family and the Open University Student Association. Without them I don’t know where I’d be right now so this post also stands as a MASSIVE THANK YOU to all of them who’ve picked me up when times have been tough.

I’d love to know how you cope with the challenges you face, feel free to leave them in the comments or tweet me @SmilingClare

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A Little Step Backwards

By Clare

On 25th February 2015

In My Open University Journey, Studying

Things had been going really well with my health and studies. Ok so my marks haven’t been their best for this module but I’m on track to pass which is all that matters after all. But these past few weeks have seen my health take a bit of a nosedive.

A virus and dizziness on sitting upright have left me unable to sit at my beloved desk for very long at all. So I’m back to studying on the sofa…for now! I’m determined it’s just a temporary thing, I miss working at my desk more than I ever imagined I would. And relaxing on the sofa after studying there is rather more difficult than I once found it to be; probably because I’ve got used to leaving study behind at the desk. But like I said it is only going to be a temporary solution.

I am going to get myself well enough to work at my desk again. Somehow.

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Project Walking

By Clare

On 21st January 2015

In Goals

In the past few weeks I took a big step towards putting Project Walking into action. I walked around a local Lidl store unaided for the first time in well over a year! To say I am proud of myself is an understatement. The feeling of actually making improvements was immense. Until reality struck that is.

You see apparently that walk around a fairly small store (compared with the big supermarkets) was too much, too soon. Soon after I was exhausted and the next few days my legs were very painful and weak. But I did it and I’ve learned from it.

And so I have developed a different plan. Rather than build up my walking by actually going for walks around stores, parks etc. to begin with I am going to start using the Nintendo Wii Fit ‘step’ activities and perhaps the ‘jog’ one too if it will allow me to walk instead of jog!

I figure this way I can build up my leg muscles and stamina, the main source of my problems, gently while having the ability to stop and rest on the sofa during one of the activities if necessary. It’s not an ideal solution; I’d love to get out in the fresh air more, but for now, until I’ve strengthened my legs a bit more I think it’s the safest option.

I had my first go at this on January 20th. I completed one ‘go’ of the basic step activity. which left me utterly exhausted for the rest of the evening. But it was a start. I aim to do one ‘go’ at basic step once a week and see how things go. If it’s too much I’ll decrease how often I do it and if I feel I can do more I’ll look at increasing the frequency. The first go at this was fantastic yet tinged with sadness at the same time; I’ve come so far from where I was the last time I used the Wii Fit (as scales no activities!) 444 days ago, yet at the same time I can’t help but feel a little disappointed that roughly 4 minutes of simple exercise leaves me so completely exhausted. I’m all for keeping positive though so I’m focusing on how far I’ve come and how brilliant it was to be able to use the Wii Fit again while looking forward to the day I can manage more than 4 minutes exercise without the awful exhaustion that followed.

I don’t want to push myself too far too soon and end up making myself worse. Pushing myself at all is a risk but it’s one I’m willing to take because I want to get better. I just have to go at my own pace, listening to my body at all times. Getting a taste of that freedom of walking round a store has made me even more determined that I will do it again. So watch this space for more progress on Project Walking!!

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The Desk

By Clare

On 10th January 2015

In My Open University Journey, Studying

I mentioned last year that I’d got a desk and was hoping I’d be well enough to study at it. The picture I posted back then was of a very clear desk and I said in my post back then that I doubted it would stay that tidy. Well I was right.

My tidy desk back in August 2014

A lot of things have changed since that picture was taken. Not only has the desk got messier but it has had a few additions added to it. I now have a keyboard shelf to give me little more space. Not only that but the monitor has grown in size, there is a box of index cards and a pot of pens all on there! But don’t forget the piles of reading and work always on the go since my current module began! So all in all this desk is often buried under mountains of paper and folders!

During a study session

Before the keyboard shelf was fitted

While working on a TMA

Brian my study buddy after a good tidy up!

The desk has seen a lot of work so far and I’ve not even had it a year! For the most part I have been able to work at it rather than on the sofa. I have to admit I find myself much more productive when studying at the desk but I don’t know if that’s because I’m at the desk or just because I’m not as ill as when I’m studying on the sofa! I still have my days when sitting at the desk is a struggle and some days I’m more inclined to rest then study at the desk, those are ones where I’d probably have forced myself to do a bit of study if I was on the sofa.

Overall having a desk to work at has made a big difference to my study life. Having separate areas to relax and study has had a bigger impact mentally than I thought it would; when I’m in the living room on the sofa now I really do relax, almost all thoughts of study are left at the desk (or for the middle of the night revelations in bed when I realise where I’ve gone wrong with a question!) It has made a massive difference and I hope to keep on studying at the desk for as long as my health allows!

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