As I write this I haven’t properly been out for over five months. There have been two short trips “out” in the car with my Dad, trips in which I haven’t left the car at all, but have still got a change of scenery.

In those five months I have been blessed to have a few visits from a friend, and some family members – all socially distanced and as government guidance allowed. And of course I’ve been lucky in that I live with my parents and sister, although for almost three months my Mum was living with another relative caring for them, so it was just me, my Dad and sister.

Despite this, the last few months have felt quite isolating. As the world began to return to some semblance of normal, with restaurants reopening, people returning to work, non-essential shops reopening etc. mine has remained the same. I mean it’s not exactly unusual for me to go for weeks on end without leaving the house, although in the year up to March you’d be hard pressed to find more than two weeks where I hadn’t had to leave the house for some medical appointment or another! But somehow this feels different.

Perhaps it’s because everyone was in a similar boat, so to speak, earlier this year during lockdown. But now watching everyone slowly return to something akin to normal, while I remain where I am, it’s like I’m back to the early days of my chronic illness. I’m being constantly reminded of what I’m missing out on, and in some ways it’s even worse now than it was back then – social media was in its infancy when I first became ill so there wasn’t the constant reminders on there, but also because its been a national experience the radio stations and news programmes have been absolutely full of pieces about life returning to normal, places reopening etc. and asking what people are most looking forward to doing again.

I listen to the responses and just keep thinking “I can’t do that” or “That would break me”. Quite honestly the thing I’m most looking forward to as things return to “normal” is the return of medical appointments, treatment, and yes even tests. I never thought that would be something that I would be writing, but since lockdown so much of my treatment, and the exploration of what could be causing some my symptoms, has all been put on hold indefinitely. And while it’s not a life or death situation (that I know of, and I certainly hope it isn’t!) there’s something about just being left to cope with everything on your own. I know I did for years, and I know many others also do the same. But having finally found a doctor who wants to work out exactly what is going on and is actually taking an interest in trying to figure it out and find ways to help, it has been very disheartening to just be left waiting for rescheduled appointments to appear in the post (I’m still waiting for them to appear).

I also know that the hospitals and everything routine in the medical world will probably be one of the last things to return to normal; they still need to be prepared for another spike in cases of COVID-19, but at the same time I am also acutely aware that other health conditions (whether diagnosed or not) haven’t just stopped because there’s a pandemic. As nice as it would be to be able to say that all other health conditions are on hold while the world deals with the pandemic, this isn’t the case. Yet this is essentially what the hospitals are having to do.

Sure there are other things I’d love to get back to doing, the things that I was managing before lockdown that got me out of the house, but having started a treatment that suppresses my immune system I’m actually rather nervous about resuming “normal life”, in part because I don’t know how much it is suppressing my immune system, and how vulnerable it is leaving me to viruses and infections. I didn’t get the chance to figure that out before Covid-19 made it’s appearance on the scene. So for now I’m extra cautious about things.

I’m sure I’m not the only person out there feeling this way, but it does feel like I’m one of a minority. And as a result I feel isolated. I see what everyone else is doing, I hear what everyone else is talking about, but I don’t feel like I can take part. I’m just not ready yet, and for some things, unless there is a miracle cure, I never will be.

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