Being chronically ill is hard. Most of the time I can potter along in my own little bubble, convincing myself I’m doing ok (even though to a healthy person my life isn’t anything close to ok; I mean to what fit and healthy person would managing a trip out for one hour once, possibly twice a week, but needing to rest in between, and having to rest after having a shower, constitute “doing ok”?)

But anyway, for the most part I am, if not happy with my life, accepting of the way things are. Sure they could be better but I just have to make the most of the way things are. Not everyone’s life can be lived in exactly the same way. And no one gets a completely easy ride (everyone has a different perspective, and one person’s troubles, are trivial to another one’s).

Which brings me round to the reason of writing this post. A lot of my friends and family are in relationships, engaged, married, starting families of their own etc. and here I am firmly stuck in a world which revolves around my illness.

I try not to let jealousy get the better of me, but I don’t think I’d be human if I wasn’t a tiny bit jealous of all that they are doing/achieving. Of the fact their lives are moving on and they’re growing into the fully fledged adults they are. Whereas I am stuck, basically like a kid, with my parents having to look after me because there’s no way on earth I could manage all the everyday basics myself without collapsing. (And by basics I’m not even including working, just cooking all my meals and cleaning up afterwards!)

And so I try and keep my jealousy in check. I bite my tongue, rather than make silly comments like “Oh I wish I could do that” or “Yeah well I would do that if I could” which can be taken the wrong way. I try to keep a lid on my frustrations about the way my life is in comparison with others. In fact I try and avoid comparisons full stop because they just make life more difficult to stomach.

But there are times where I have to acknowledge that my life isn’t like most peoples. I need a little cry, or some way of venting that jealousy and frustration. I know life isn’t fair in general. I know this is my journey, my life and things will work out eventually.

I believe that there is some great plan for my life and that this is just a patch where I need to learn something about myself. What that thing is, I honestly have no idea. I don’t know what the great plan for my life is either. But I would rather believe that there is a greater plan, and things will get better than they currently are, because quite honestly the way things are at the moment is rubbish and I don’t want to believe things can continue like this indefinitely.

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